gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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