You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
