we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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