I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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