my phone needs a breathalizer
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize