proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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