I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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