i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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