I'm lost and stupid without you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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