this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
