dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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