does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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