I CAN MOONWALK!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he fucked my hip out of place.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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