do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
