I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
