mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.