i wish my penis had a tongue
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
