Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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