we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
