I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
