Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
