So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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