Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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