i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
