shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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