Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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