Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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