it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
