i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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