Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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