If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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