Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
