I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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