Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
