You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she smelled like a LAN party
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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