You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
