wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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