he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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