There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
