i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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