Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
