dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
