Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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