I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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