omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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