Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
