let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
