Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
