i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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