I am in a vortex of obligation.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
