I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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