I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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