god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
