I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
