I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
