right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh god it's open bar.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
