zippers are such a cool invention
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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