WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
ok first of all what the fuck
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
