I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
