i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
