I think I am morally bankrupt
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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