mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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